fluttering. lots and lots of fluttering. intersecting images about what i was supposed to think, what i was supposed to say, what all of those thoughts and those words are supposed to mean. and what i should perceive about the meaning. all just fixed notions to beats and frequencies that dont have names or words or prefixes or grammar rules or spelling errors. just me, you, them, and what we all sense, below the surface, tingling at the finger tips and maybe the tips of the toes, for some. it is not that i do not want to move forward it is that i do not want to begin to escape the comfort of being aware of the present and what may or may not come. struggling to understand where the line begins and the empty void ends, or if both have always been whirling cosmic forms and shapes with no names and no words to describe them. the fascination that can develop in trying to understand all of this, to try and understand why i use the same words so frequently and search for some that better illuminate what i attempt to rip from the depths of my soul and my mind and my heart and all the “things” that thing themselves between more things. maybe because when i say things your mind goes whirling in to more things, creating a thing for you to deal with. it’s all just things.
remember that.
maybe.
or dont.
this is all just nonsense mixed in with a couple of repetitive words, some bad grammar, and auto-spell that keeps me at the line all the way.
Blurring boundaries between my heart and the hands that guide my head. Running running running, so fast now, so much faster then. To feel like you are standing at the peak of a cliff on top of the worlds largest pile of self-created shit. You look below, ready to jump in to all that you had climbed from. Startled, the motions stop, you begin to sway. You begin to say: these are the things that leave me restless, these are the things that leave me still. The entire universe, the entire existence of life, of creation, float in front of you, being split and fractured again and again and again and again until things begin to settle in to tiny and coordinated categories, categories with no boundaries, ones that end up looking like piles, mushing over on to one another, fraying and falling, stacking high then sliding all the way down. Just like you, when you stood at the top of that mountain, before you took the plunge back down. Not to worry my friend, for there is always more to build, more to be found, and always another hill, ready to be climbed.
I faltered. I stumbled, Maybe only swayed a bit, not so much that you could see, but enough to make you turn your head and glance to the side with a look on your face that resembled love or maybe fear, between the two was your nose all crinkled and smooshed against what may have been glass, more likely an invisible wall that i will break down eventually with the mallet that has been clenched in my hands for twenty-plus months and years to date that make me sick to my stomach. so i will break the wall. and smash all the little pieces on the floor over and over again until they and i and you are screaming your name in unison, in Ecstasy, eternally. forever.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Maybe I am over thinking, creating, fabricating memories out of distant thoughts about some kind of future things that creep viscerally like stuff full of blood and rushing beats of my tightened up heart. It hurts trying to think about not circulating around my behaviors of self consumed consumption about massive details so big that they blind you, from me. I just wonder if all of these swooshing rings in my ears are incessant motions of upward motivation from deep within, more inside of you than inside of me, yet outside the reach of stumbling footsteps on the marble atrium that dizzy head of all the children floating. More than this, just wanting relaxation such as sitting in a grove with blades cascading my feet above and below causing beats under upturned cribs for senses of sensations surrounding ideas like earth and its population defacing creations thrown astern for safe keeping past locks and chains and wardens with yellow suits leaking and squeaking as if passing with no sound would not do. just all this to want you.
